Day 19 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
And on went the journey. Little by little I improved. A.A. had welcomed me into its fold; and I appreciated the warmth. I bathed in this luxury, as I’ve mentioned, for 6 very fruitful years. The souls I met were generous with their time, their energy, their experiences, and their love. Yes, once again I found love. A few I remember with such love. One such man I was reminded of recently. He had taken me to see ‘The Fly’; a movie which featured during 1986. I was so terrified by this film (I haven’t ever been a lover of ‘fright’ movies). He held my arm and we both cringed together at the sight of a man becoming a fly; a very distasteful fly! He (Duncan), a man in his eighties who had been in the fellowship for some 30 years, was about as distraught by the viewing as I had been. I was so unnerved by the film I cancelled our dinner and headed for home. It is hard for me to even imagine today that such a film could reduce me to such a state; and yet, it did; such was my state of mind.
There were many others who assisted me and saw my fragility. There were also others who were a little threatened by my sobriety. Little did they know that I did not have a problem with drinking, or not drinking. For me it was a case of mental health and getting myself back to being able to see again. I had lost the ability to see within my mind’s eye. I had always been a visual. I talked visually; I thought visually; I dreamed visually. If something was being explained to me I would see it in my mind’s eye. The days of over consumption of alcohol had taken that from me. I was without my known method of appreciating life and the various states of being in which life took one. I was like a ship on an ocean without a rudder; a plane in the sky flying upside down. How incredibly lost I was without my known appreciation of life. I had to ‘think’ things through for I had lost my ‘knowing’. I didn’t know this until it was taken; however, I began to realise (even more than I already knew) just how different I was. Yes, life without my usual senses to guide me was horrendous. The alcohol had removed so many things from my life; both external and internal. A healthy respect grew and grew.
Over the next few years meditating; going to A.A. meetings; gingerly allowing myself to re-introduce some sense of normality into my life began the process, not only of sobriety and all of the structure that brought to me; but, also the re-conditioning of my thinking processes and the manner in which I mentally constructed my world. Oh, how lost I was without these innate processes; and oh how difficult it was to live without them.
The first time I dreamed again in colour I awoke with such a feeling of joy. I was so very afraid I wouldn’t do that again. Oh, how I prayed that I would; it was such a delight. Over the next few years I began the return to being a visual.
I can remember being in an A.A. meeting when someone mentioned Tom & Jerry. Suddenly a movie started playing in my head; I was viewing a cartoon of Tom & Jerry. The tears whelmed over; just as I feel this day thinking upon it. The tears, and my throat. Oh, the pain and the ecstasy of remembrance. Such a joy to remember. I had begun the journey back to me; a me that loved to love and see things in my own mind that no one else could see. Selfish it’s true; however, I am so glad to be me. My head holds such delights. I enjoy being me and I was seeing this again after being bereft of me for so many years. It was getting better and better; just as I’d always thought it would be.
Carolyn Page – ABC of Spirit Talk