Day 16 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
Life has become so normal for me now. I no longer have the need to know the future; as once I did. In fact, I couldn’t do anything without knowing what the outcome may be. Today, I simply do. Today, I do that which seems so average; so normal. I no longer want to engage in mind games; or nonsense of any nature. My whole life seemed to be geared to this for so many years. There was little to no spontaneity in my life; it was as if I had the need to control everything, right down to the way in which I breathed. I had to, of course; life was so unpredictable, I had an uncontrollable need to control it; certainly a dichotomy.
Indeed, there were two of me for so many years. One wanted to be free and enjoy life as I knew others understood it; free from the torments of a needy control freak. The other was the control freak. I didn’t always appreciate this, of course. I didn’t always recognise that I was controlling my life. It wasn’t until I no longer had the urge to control it that I realised the difference. Seems so trite to me today; the need to control life. It seems as though I spent so much of my energy trying to prevent something from happening; or conversely, trying to ensure that a particular thing happened. A deep breath is indeed a deep breath today. It is not a contrived thing to assist me to calm down. It is not a conscious thought needed to ensure I make it through the day in a fashion that maintains me in a centred state. No, today this is as it is; no more the control freak; no more the conscious effort; no more the need.
It is good to look back today. I don’t have any buttons left to push. My life is now an open book, and I appreciate my journey with all of its trials and tribulations. Indeed, those very happenings have been the making of me. No more the unsure; no more the victim; no more the self-conscious. Today is indeed a brand new day filled with a surety that only living can bring.
I don’t mean to sound egotistical; however, today I am so calm, so centred, so capable as to bring me to a state of wonder that I ‘Carolyn’ could feel the joy of this peace, this calm, as an expectation. It seems almost brash of me to say so; however, I have worked for it. I have worked away at myself for so long now I hardly recognise myself. I have toiled with my fears; my anger; my self righteousness; my limitations; my everything. I have toiled and toiled until I could toil no more, and yet I know that there is more. I know this because The Collective Consciousness have informed me that, just like a spiral that is never ending, so too is the journey in front of me.
There have been many times, over the past few years, when I have plateaued in my work of perfecting myself. I have thought, at those times, that if it didn’t get any better I would be happy. To be free of the need to be accepted; to be free of the fear of socialising; to be free of the need to be a people pleaser; to be free, to be free. I will continue to work away at my limitations. I will continue because this is as I have agreed to do. I am happy to do this as it has freed me in so many ways.
Carolyn Page – ABC of Spirit Talk