Day 14 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences
During those days of going to AA meetings I began the process of learning to meditate.
As I’ve mentioned, I would use the meetings to sit quietly and allow my racing mind to find some peace. A friend in the fellowship called me the human computer because, he said, my mind could be seen absorbing and calculating every word spoken. I listened intently, at first, to each speaker as they gave up their lives as an offering to the AA spirit of self-help and; help thy fellow sufferer. However, soon I began to want something different, and I appreciated that the meetings were giving me space; space to find the quiet that my mind had been capable of so long ago.
As a young girl I loved the quiet; I loved to walk by myself enjoying the peace of nature, the smell of the rain, the wind as it caressed my cheek. I loved to dwell in my own thoughts for, those thoughts were quite sweet.
I had been a sweet child. I didn’t have any guile. I accepted most things about me. I understood, at a much deeper level than most; however, I didn’t judge the foibles of human beings, I had an understanding of their frailties. Being alone during my walks allowed me to escape the negativities of the human existence, and I would re-capture that elusive feeling of rightness.
It was this sense of acceptance that I wanted to recapture. It was during those moments in the meetings that I began to allow my mind to drift into that state of freedom. It took some time, perhaps a year, before I was able to begin to benefit from this process. I began to take this knowledge, this ability, into my day. I began to be able to switch on and off.
I had taken a job. It was so very hard to motivate myself to get back into the world. I would have preferred to just keep going to the meetings and spend my time at home, cooking and enjoying my own company. However, I had a young girl, and rent. I needed an income; more than the social security could offer.
It was during this period that I started to know the value of my time spent in the meetings in the silence of my mind; I was able to switch off during my work breaks. Without being able to do this I wouldn’t have survived. My brain wasn’t capable of working non-stop for a full 8 hour work day. Those moments of solitude, within my day, were life savers.
When I look back today at the process that was meditation I realise how very important it was; it helped my nervous system, my physical body; indeed every cell of my being was enlivened by this process. It was the process by which I found the connection to my inner life; my soul life. It was indeed the beginning to another great chapter of my life. I didn’t know it then; however, meditation was the key that started my inward journey; a journey without end. This journey brought me home; home to me.
Carolyn Page – ABC of Spirit Talk